Inner Strength



It took me a year of being alone, without any type of personal relationships, to find my own inner strength. Coming from the land of childhood abuse the only feeling I ever knew was just how inadequate I was. I was no more than anything, I was to feel less than human, because well, as a child I was blamed by my primary parent for their life’s failures. My whole identity was based on, if I had never been born, they could have gotten their college degree and became something. Instead, I was born, they had to quit school to provide for me, I was their burden.

Can you even imagine carrying that kind of weight as a child? In my own vision, when ever I saw a successful adult, the guilt of being born, only continued to grow. Now for those of you who have read my homepage, you will see where I have listed my personal successes, such as obtaining not only one college degree but three. So you may be asking yourself, if I had no personal inner strength, how could I have managed to stay in school to achieve this.

At sixteen years old, after being beaten, sexually assaulted by my father, and almost choked out of existence, it took one moment for my vision of what fatherly love was, to wake me up. Like a memory frozen in time, it was the moment when my father took a picture of me off the fireplace mantel and slung it across the room towards me to shatter on my broken, beaten body. As the glass broke into a million tiny pieces I suddenly concluded at that moment, this was not fatherly love, this was not love at all. To this day I still do not know why this moment changed everything for me back then, it just did.

At that moment when the glass shattered on my body, I finally stood up for myself. I began with fist in hand, to fight for my life, instead of taking the beatings. I can honestly say that this is the moment that the “other side of me” was created. Can you see it? A scrawny 115 pound 16 year old child standing up against a 6 foot 225 pound full grown man! The look on my fathers face when I threw my first punch was priceless. I can only imagine him thinking “oh shit!”, she’s not taking my shit anymore!

A few weeks after that, I was removed from my home by authorities in Texas due to the abuse. Just so you know.

Back to the college thing and me-

That day that I just wrote about, that created the “other side of me,” is what I refer to as sheer rebellion. From that day forward, I developed a very strong minded personality the type of personality that does not take shit from anybody. I used this personality to go to college. I basically went to school to prove to my father who was no longer in my life but very much in my thoughts that I could go to college despite having four children of my own, and that I could be a success.

I do not personally define this as having inner strength because to me this type of living was only in my eyes living out of rebellion. I still felt worthless on the inside. During the years that I attended college I may have succeeded academically but I was a personal mess. By the time I completed three college degrees I had been married and divorced twice and was on my third failing common law marriage relationship. Looking back, I was the biggest co dependent to probably walk the face of this Earth. No person in their right mind wants a needy can’t live without you type of person holding them back, hence that’s who I was, because I had no self value, no self worth, and no personal inner strength.

By the time I reached 48 years old, I had been married and divorced again. I had also survived a suicide attempt which literally almost ended my life, that’s another story in itself. My children by now were becoming adults and I was still hanging on to my last broken relationship when he decided to try something different meaning someone different and it broke me down emotionally to the point that perhaps I needed to be broken down to, because I began to look at my life, I mean really look at my own behavior, my own actions, my own self.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that hurt us deeply, but sometimes that is what is necessary to bring about change. Today, I can honestly say, that being broken once again by someone I deeply loved was the the best day of my life. At the beginning of the breakup I jumped into a few casual relationships only to be rejected because I was once again too needy. After immediate failure, I remained alone, and somehow found my inner strength.

That year I spent alone, I created my own flower garden business, which took off and was a big success. I went places alone and began working on my own home remodeling it something which had not been done in the twenty years that I had lived there. I learned to depend on me and me alone. I no longer needed to ask for someone else’s opinion. I no longer needed to follow anyone else’s rules and regulations. Do you know how freeing this was for me? Trust me, if you are a co dependent, just try it!

It is my biggest hopes that you too can and will find your own personal strength. I am just giving you an example of what it took to find mine. We all have our own paths that we walk down, our own personal experiences and our own timing. If I can find my inner strength after all I have been through, then so can you. Don’t ever give up on you like I attempted to do. Keep moving forward and don’t look at set backs as being the end of your world because perhaps a loss will turn out to be your biggest gain.

Best wishes,

Self Improvement

Bridgette~

to visit my homepage please go here http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

Gaslighting



Are we living in a world today where we are questioning our own reality through manipulation? A world where what was once wrong is now considered to be right, and what was right is somehow wrong. Who do we trust? Can we trust ourselves when all it takes is for us to turn on social media, the television, any type of news and their facts and numbers can be manipulated to go against our entire belief system.

What exactly is this type of manipulation? This form of manipulation is referred to as gaslighting. The definition of gaslighting is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality. I found this basic definition as well as a whole article at this website, please click on this link to read more: https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470.

For those of you who have been abused at an early age, this is nothing new, only perhaps now you can have some type of word for it. I personally had never even heard of such a word until a few years ago when I happened across an article that described this type of manipulation.

The key factor in how this type of manipulation works and why it works so well is because it happens to its victims over a period of time no matter what age group you find yourself in. Gaslighting is a type of conditioning because it undermines your entire perception of reality not all at once but slowly and gradually. During the gaslighting process you will often find yourself second guessing yourself, your perceptions, and your memories.

I could go on and on about all of this, but the purpose of this blog is just so that you can become aware of what is happening around us. Do your own research on gaslighting and the psychology of how it works. Get to know yourself better during these troubled times, strengthen your mind if you can and your emotions. The government and big techs are already and have been conditioning us for awhile now. They are trying to erase our history so that they can make up their own history to influence the young.

We are not as weak as we are being portrayed to be. WE THE PEOPLE ARE STRONG! Pay attention to the manipulation that is happening now! Pay attention to the GASLIGHTING in our world today!

Just thoughts

Bridgette~

To return to my homepage follow the link:

http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com/

If you or someone you know is being abused please help! Call your local authorities or 911

Are We Ever Truly Prepared



As I laid in bed last night listening to the sounds of my husbands moaning from being so sore from working, fear arose. To make matters worse, when his alarm went off this morning, he asked for my assistance to help him get out of bed. His sore achy muscles have been screaming since late afternoon yesterday, due to him hanging some heavy doors on his current project. Flashes of what are we going to do if he gets hurt, become more vivid than ever. Are we prepared if something does?

How many people in this world, are truly prepared for the unknown? How many people were truly prepared for Covid, and all the natural disasters? How do we embrace our lives for what could happen to our well being, our health, our finances, our minds? How do we prevent ourselves from living in constant fear? It cannot be, that we just focus on this moment, this day, for we must also prepare ourselves for tomorrow.

What aspects of our lives can we truly control? Just ourselves? I never dreamed that when I was in my late 30’s that my back would suffer immensely and that I would need emergency surgery. I wasn’t prepared. My oldest son, being the healthiest of all at just 21 years old, with his physical fitness regiments, non smoking, perfect weight, would end up in ICU with a blood sugar so high that now he is a full blown diabetic. He wasn’t prepared. How do we prepare ourselves for life’s snowballs?

I do not have all the answers, but one thing that does come to mind, is our minds, the ability to cope. It is important that we do not give up, throw in the towel, call it quits. We keep moving, we take necessarily steps to move forward, no matter how difficult it may be. For we must prepare ourselves to survive. We must train our minds, that life will throw us obstacles, but we must learn to cope and deal with whatever that might be.

Living in fear, is not comforting. It is not something I wish to do to myself. For with living in fear comes the consequences of the stresses that it puts on our health, our hearts, our blood pressure, our bones. We need to focus on survival, yes, but we must also focus on what is good in our lives, and in this world, if we are to ever bring ourselves to some kind of balance.

Life to me, is like a game of chess, and how we plan our next move, our current move, will lead to our ultimate destination. I want to live. I want to know, that despite myself, I can survive. I don’t want to lay on the couch and predict my ultimate demise, waste away, and throw away my time here on this Earth.

I WANT TO LIVE!

Just thoughts,

Bridgette~

to visit my homepage click here: http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

The Willow Tree



The Willow Tree Weeps In The Wind

Not Only For Sorrow But For Joy

And Why It Bends For Happiness

No One Else Seems To Know Or Understand

But The Tree Itself Knows

For It Was Given The Gift Of Life

I wrote this poem sitting in a high school class when I lived in Texas. My high school years were the most terrible, turbulent years for me. I was dealing with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Quite honestly, I do not know how I survived. I was so isolated as a teenager. Know one seemed to notice, and I rarely talked, at least not much. Have you ever been in one of those families where children are to be seen not heard? Yep, that was me, that was mine.

It has been so many years since I wrote this, yet, I still remember every word. Looking at the words, and reading them out loud to myself, I’m beginning to analyze. Somewhere, deep within me, I must have been holding onto a small flame. A flame for life. I had dodged the bullet so many times, fighting for my life, fighting just to live.

I can see the words, “No One Else Seems To Know”, and they are haunting. I believe people, children, as well as adults, and even the elderly, tend to hold their abuse close to them and that is one of the most daunting things that keeps the abuse going. Perpetrators seem to hold some kind of power over us, over them.

Until…..

For me, something inside of me just snapped one dreadful afternoon. Instead of taking the abuse, I stood up and fought. If I was going to die, I wasn’t going to just lay down and do so. I was going to fight to live. And I did. Here I was a scrawny teenager fighting a 6 foot grown man. The look on his face, to this day, remains frozen in my mind, it remains frozen in time. I took my life back that day. I became that Willow Tree, grateful, for the gift of life….

*If you notice, quiet people, whether the young or old, please talk to them. I personally feel like you can make a difference in someone’s life. Reach out to that kid on the playground, sitting by themselves. Reach out to that elderly person, alone. Take some time for a conversation. Who knows, you just might make a friend, or save a life.

Thank you for reading,

Self Improvement

Bridgette~

to visit my homepage click here: http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

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