Little Snippets



Good morning to all from here in Oklahoma. I just love it, when I wake up with a fresh mind, and small snippets of ideas, Positive ones too, I might add. Let me start by saying that yesterday turned out to be a good day for me, no form of acting out, no extreme major depression issues, and it was time well spent with my fiancé. I still had thoughts of insecurity though, but I did my best not to act out on them.

Yesterday we managed to travel to Dodge City, Kansas, and explore Boot Hill Museum. We had been to Dodge City before, but this time instead of gambling our lives away in Dodge City, we actually enjoyed one of its main attractions, the museum, as well as the small free city zoo. No gambling yesterday, and that’s a pretty good thing, for gambling addicts.

Now, the point being in all this, we didn’t arrive to Dodge City early, it was more like the afternoon. Yesterday morning, was a sort of a mess, because we struggled with direction. What were we going to do with our time on a Saturday? We both wasted our whole morning, sitting around looking at each other. My insecurity level was high, as well as my anxiety. With both of these in mind, perhaps that why today, I woke up with some ideas.

Bridgette, “You need some structure, some organization, some discipline, some sort of purpose, and you need to set some goals for yourself!”

Wow! These were my first thoughts this morning, as I rolled out of bed. These, Little Snippets of ideas, actually are what woke me up! I do want a good life for myself, I do want to feel better, and I do want to be a better person. I’m tired of feeling lost and hopeless. I’m tired of feeling insecure about who I am. The list goes on and on in my head, but I’m excited to be in this place today. I’m grateful for a more positive attitude.

So, my first goal this week, starting tomorrow morning, is to start digging into myself, setting some short and long term goals, define my purpose, and strategize a more structured, disciplined life style.

I am sitting here filled with excitement! Today, is going to be a good day too! Now, I need to go now, and walk my dog, Gracie. I need to map out my day.

I hope this blog gives you some encouragement as well. What’s your plans for today? Whatever it may be, I hope you do it with purpose and a smile!


Self Improvement

Bridgette~

Insecurity



I am so overwhelmed at the moment, filled up, solid, with the feeling of insecurity. Insecurity in myself, insecurity about where my life is headed, insecurity about my current relationship.

Can I do this? Can I write publicly about my mental health issues and survive? Why certainly, Bridgette, you’ve survived this long-my thoughts. Who will care about me? Perhaps YOU-my thoughts again.

Where is my life headed? I don’t know, but lets not stay stagnate and just take a deep breath and breathe. Okay, sounds simple enough.

Does “he”, (current relationship,) really want you to stay? I don’t know, I’ve only been told to leave 3 times within a 10 day period. But every time you start to get packed up, things start to settle down. It’s so exhausting, and frightful. Yes, I tend to start the troubles, me and my mouth with my little insecurities, he says are driving him away. I so need to work on this. He has changed so much from the man he was in the beginning 10 years ago, to the man he is today. Just look out the window, a new car for me, a new shiny expensive engagement ring, don’t blow it, Bridgette, just because your scared.

So, I really tried today, this morning, I sent him a lovely text while he was in the bathroom preparing for work. Nothing negative, just letting him know, how much I appreciate him, how much I respect him, and that I never want him to feel alone again in this relationship. We both have difficulty with context, what I say he tends to take to a whole different meaning, and vice versa. My actions, though well intended, are hurtful and some what purposely done to harm him in some way, again taken out of context. I find it strange, that my loss of hearing issues he tends to mistaken for some sort of intently ignoring him…Say what? Ummm, definitely, NO!

Is he really working tomorrow, on a Saturday, or is it something else? I can not control him, I can not follow him, for the best thing I really have control over is me, just me. And the whole truth of the matter is, I need to learn to be confident in myself, know myself, trust myself, be the best woman that I can be. If I just be THAT, then if he wanders off, chooses to go elsewhere, wants me to leave, then in my heart I should be okay with it. If I show jealousy, put him down because I’m fearful, then I can only blame myself. Bridgette you carry too much already for what you blame yourself for. So lets just try something different, starting today. Be the best version of YOU. Give him nothing to complain about. Don’t sit at home and wallow in self-pitty. Go take Gracie, (my beautiful black lab) for a walk. It’s time.

Self Improvement

Bridgette~

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