Just like every other day, the thoughts weighed on my mind, as to what topic I was going to write about. I had work scheduled early as to avoid the high 103 temps here in Oklahoma as I am painting the exterior of a country home. I enjoy working. I enjoy fixing up things and making our world beautiful, whether it be cleaning out the weeds in a garden, or working on houses. For me personally, I find it inspiring.
I never was a girly girl, having to always wear make up, or having to worry about getting my nails done. Nope, not me, I prefer the natural look all the way. As a child I was always climbing trees, playing Tarzan, or collecting tadpoles in shallow ponds. I am grateful my dad was a handy man, always tinkering with things, trying to fix everything. Perhaps I am like that to. I’d rather have power tools and drive trucks, than get manicures. Anyway, back to today!
I was scraping away at the old paint on the siding of this old country house, and my thoughts drifted away to the days when my grandmother was around. I miss her very much today. She was a funny lady, and told me lots of stories. I was her favorite grandchild, of course, and I learned a lot from her.
Sadly to say however, a few years before she passed away, she developed dementia. I would bring her food, and she would give it away. She would repeat things all the time, and she would forget that I had come to visit her. I did not know how to deal with it. I was very young perhaps in my twenties, and so I began to avoid her and I was somehow angry with her. I did not want my own children to see this, so I kept them away too.
I found out she passed away the night before her birthday in her sleep, from a relative. My children were devastated, and so was I. Unfortunately, for me, I have been angry at myself ever since. I have always gotten along better with older people and why I was angry at my grandmother for something that she had no control over, is very saddening, and I have been carrying the guilt of my actions for years ever since.
But today, out of nowhere, I came to the realization, that I did not know any better. As I was scraping the paint away, somehow, in my mind, I was scraping the resentment away, that I had been carrying towards myself. I forgave myself. And it was as if, my grandmother was looking down at me, and giving me a big selfless hug. The heavy weight that I had placed on my shoulders has lifted and I am so very grateful for gifts like this. Why it happened today, I have no idea, but now my thoughts go back to YOU.
What burdens are you carrying? How long has it been since you have forgiven yourself? For me personally, I find it easier to forgive others, than to forgive myself. I was able to let go because I am no longer who I once was, and I was able to recognize that today. I believe that was the key to my forgiveness. I hope this can help you. Perhaps, today can be the day for you too!
Thank you for reading!
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