Some days I feel like I’m the windshield other days the bug! Which is it today, I don’t know. It’s been a tuff couple days that’s for sure though. I have no idea where all this disharmony is coming from.
Sure having children, relatives, family members, friends can be a positive thing, but today nobody wants to get along. The whole world doesn’t seem to want to get along. That rainbow in the sky is dissipating. Sigh…
Sadly to say, I’m hiding out in a crowded parking lot, by myself. Too much noise elsewhere. The feeling of peace in my soul is gone.
We cannot control other people’s attitudes, resentments, or even what they think about you. We can only control ourselves and even that sometimes is difficult. But today I will not join in with all the negativity. Sure my feelings are hurt with angry words, but I will survive. I will not retaliate. I will just sit in my own company.
Love yourself people. Love yourself enough to stand strong. Stay true to yourself. Forgive others even when it’s the most difficult. Do not carry their burdens. Give time to time to heal.
Have faith that better days will come. And love yourself the most during these days….
As I was sitting here this morning, pondering as to what to write about, a clear memory of a dear friend came to mind. I truly believe that there are forces out there bigger than ourselves, that in some weird way, help us along on our journey. Meeting, Alan, was one of those forces, bigger than me. Just his name, in itself, was a painful reminder of my past, because the name, Alan, was a family member that had harmed me so many years ago. But fortunate for me, this Alan, was a blessing.
I met Alan, back in 2007, back when My Space was still the big thing as far as social media goes. I was scrolling through the local people and his picture caught my eye. I sent him a brief message, and we were set to meet, casually. The first time we met, was another challenge for me, because he boyishly showed me a bottle of whiskey that he had stuffed away in his glovebox. Alcohol was another painful reminder to me, because my mother, being an alcoholic, had hurt me in so many ways while she was drunk. Somehow, though, Alan, got through to me, perhaps it was his boyish charm.
A short, fun relationship developed out of this, and Alan and I had lots of fun. If I wrote about it all, a book would probably entail. The point I wanted to share with you today, though, is this, Alan is no longer here. Alan, was diagnosed with a brain tumor, shortly after we met. We only lived in the same town for about 6 months before he was offered a very good job opportunity in Houston, Texas. I was very sad to see him go, but he did what he needed to do.
I learned a lot about Alan, while we were still living in the same town. Alan was living in an upstairs, garage apartment with his parents, which was odd to me, but Alan, was focusing on paying down his debt with the IRS, because he had not payed taxes in years. After a very bad break up he had, with a girl he loved so deeply, he set out to fix himself, by resolving one of their main issues, and that was his financial debts. He never got the girl back, but he did manage to pay his debts down. Funny how things turn out.
After Alan moved to Texas, we stayed in contact, sometimes with stupid text messages, other times, with a video chat. Shortly after his move, however, while he was at work, Alan fell to the ground, and had a seizure. I remember him suffering from terrible headaches, and he use to take Claritin, for relief. Unfortunately for Alan though, his headaches, were a brain tumor. Something I still find remarkable to this day about all of this, is that Houston, Texas, is where the top brain surgeons reside, and that is where Alan had moved to prior to his knowledge of him having a brain tumor. I do believe coincidences, aren’t really coincidences.
Alan taught me a lot about life during his final years. He taught me, to live like their is no tomorrow. He taught me, that friendship is not based on the length of time you share together, but the quality in which you spend it. He taught me, that Alcoholic’s are just people too and that you can still love them. He taught me that a name is just a name, and that I could overcome the relationship that I associated with some things. He taught me to look at nature and to see its beauty all around us, for he believed that mother nature was his God, especially towards the end of his life. I believe she is too, so we should treasure her. Alan also taught me that when bad things happen, to not let them knock you down, for perhaps a new direction is what is necessary for you to grow. And last but not least, Alan taught me that their is people out there that will encourage you, and love you, just the way you are.
I am grateful today, for all the life’s lessons Alan taught me. I miss him dearly, but am grateful that he is no longer suffering. I know in my heart, that we were suppose to meet. I wish I had a picture of him to share, but unfortunately I do not. The picture of him in my head is enough. Until we meet again, my dear friend, keep smiling!