I lived in fear all my childhood life. Fear of being hit, fear of dropping my fork at the dinner table and being back handed, fear of what might come next. Living in fear was not really living at all. Fear was something I could not see, but I could definitely feel it in my whole being, everyday. The amount of fear that laid inside me, caused my heart to weaken under the stress over the years.
Today, I see so many people in the world, living in fear as well. The fear of catching the Corona Virus, fear of losing their jobs, their health insurance, their livelihood. Living in fear of the known and the unknown is almost a constant in our lives. Fear can be almost paralyzing, and it can also be stimulating.
Living in fear as a child, I was almost paralyzed to live. Sure I had a few good moments, but looking back, I really did not enjoy much of anything to speak of. It wasn’t until I was sixteen years old, when the overwhelming fear of living in fear built up inside me, and began to unravel. Suddenly I realized I had two choices. To live or to die.
The physical and emotional pain of fear was so intense that dying seemed to be the best option. For years, I just wanted to die. I honestly thought that this was a way of life because I had nothing in my life to compare it to. Little did I know that living was just on the other side of my fears.
To this day I do not know what caused me to get up and stand up for myself one day, except for the fact that my mind somehow told myself that if I was going to die anyway, I might as well give it a good fight. So I did. And something amazingly happened.
Call it a flash of light, a spark of hope, a new unfolding freedom. Suddenly all this fear that I had inside me about dying changed and created a new path to the living. The fear immediately shrunk and dissipated. My whole life now lay in front of me, like a tree extending its branches to reach the sunlight. I could breathe, something so simple that I had been doing all along, but yet now was no longer heavy it was now appeasing.
I still have some fears today. Some of my fears are real and some of them are just fears that I create. Some of my fears are still paralyzing as I felt not to long ago being at the top of a ladder. I could not move, literally. Standing there with my hands gripped so tightly to the sides of this ladder, and crying, all I could envision was me falling. Once again, I considered my options. To live or to die. So with a deep breath, I began to move, and I managed to get down safely to my freedom.
My hope today, is that we can all examine our fears and begin to move. Nothing is more paralyzing than staying stuck in fear and not really living. We do have choices if we just recognize them. Beauty is in life, and so therefore, my choice today is to live.
I want to live, don’t you?
I am a survivor!
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