Are we living in a world today where we are questioning our own reality through manipulation? A world where what was once wrong is now considered to be right, and what was right is somehow wrong. Who do we trust? Can we trust ourselves when all it takes is for us to turn on social media, the television, any type of news and their facts and numbers can be manipulated to go against our entire belief system.

What exactly is this type of manipulation? This form of manipulation is referred to as gaslighting. The definition of gaslighting is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality. I found this basic definition as well as a whole article at this website, please click on this link to read more:

For those of you who have been abused at an early age, this is nothing new, only perhaps now you can have some type of word for it. I personally had never even heard of such a word until a few years ago when I happened across an article that described this type of manipulation.

The key factor in how this type of manipulation works and why it works so well is because it happens to its victims over a period of time no matter what age group you find yourself in. Gaslighting is a type of conditioning because it undermines your entire perception of reality not all at once but slowly and gradually. During the gaslighting process you will often find yourself second guessing yourself, your perceptions, and your memories.

I could go on and on about all of this, but the purpose of this blog is just so that you can become aware of what is happening around us. Do your own research on gaslighting and the psychology of how it works. Get to know yourself better during these troubled times, strengthen your mind if you can and your emotions. The government and big techs are already and have been conditioning us for awhile now. They are trying to erase our history so that they can make up their own history to influence the young.

We are not as weak as we are being portrayed to be. WE THE PEOPLE ARE STRONG! Pay attention to the manipulation that is happening now! Pay attention to the GASLIGHTING in our world today!

Just thoughts


If you or someone you know is being abused please help! Call your local authorities or 911

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Freedom From Fear

I lived in fear all my childhood life. Fear of being hit, fear of dropping my fork at the dinner table and being back handed, fear of what might come next. Living in fear was not really living at all. Fear was something I could not see, but I could definitely feel it in my whole being, everyday. The amount of fear that laid inside me, caused my heart to weaken under the stress over the years.

Today, I see so many people in the world, living in fear as well. The fear of catching the Corona Virus, fear of losing their jobs, their health insurance, their livelihood. Living in fear of the known and the unknown is almost a constant in our lives. Fear can be almost paralyzing, and it can also be stimulating.

Living in fear as a child, I was almost paralyzed to live. Sure I had a few good moments, but looking back, I really did not enjoy much of anything to speak of. It wasn’t until I was sixteen years old, when the overwhelming fear of living in fear built up inside me, and began to unravel. Suddenly I realized I had two choices. To live or to die.

The physical and emotional pain of fear was so intense that dying seemed to be the best option. For years, I just wanted to die. I honestly thought that this was a way of life because I had nothing in my life to compare it to. Little did I know that living was just on the other side of my fears.

To this day I do not know what caused me to get up and stand up for myself one day, except for the fact that my mind somehow told myself that if I was going to die anyway, I might as well give it a good fight. So I did. And something amazingly happened.

Call it a flash of light, a spark of hope, a new unfolding freedom. Suddenly all this fear that I had inside me about dying changed and created a new path to the living. The fear immediately shrunk and dissipated. My whole life now lay in front of me, like a tree extending its branches to reach the sunlight. I could breathe, something so simple that I had been doing all along, but yet now was no longer heavy it was now appeasing.

I still have some fears today. Some of my fears are real and some of them are just fears that I create. Some of my fears are still paralyzing as I felt not to long ago being at the top of a ladder. I could not move, literally. Standing there with my hands gripped so tightly to the sides of this ladder, and crying, all I could envision was me falling. Once again, I considered my options. To live or to die. So with a deep breath, I began to move, and I managed to get down safely to my freedom.

My hope today, is that we can all examine our fears and begin to move. Nothing is more paralyzing than staying stuck in fear and not really living. We do have choices if we just recognize them. Beauty is in life, and so therefore, my choice today is to live.

I want to live, don’t you?

I am a survivor!

Just thoughts


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What Lies Beneath

One of the most difficult parts of my life tends to lie underneath the surface. It wasn’t until my later years when a psychiatrist explained to me that all the emotional pain in my life has a tendency to cause actual physical symptoms of being unwell. I have been told that your body remembers. Your body remembers trauma, certain times of the year when you experienced the trauma, even certain times of the day. Both emotional and physical symptoms are intertwined.

I am in no way a professional on this subject matter, I am not a medical doctor nor a psychiatrist. I can only tell you from my own personal experiences what all this means to me. I absolutely believe it. It is not something I wish on anyone. For me personally, being sick to my stomach, feeling terrible on the inside with no means of explaining why, has literally been a challenging part of my life.

For example, I did not write anything yesterday, because after a brief visit with my mother and grandmother, I began to feel physically ill. I became so ill in fact that I had to lay down for most of the afternoon. The day went by and my face became flush and my husband could literally see that I was not well. I am still feeling the physical pains in my stomach this morning and I am hoping this will all go away soon.

What does a visit from my mother have to do with anything you might be asking. Well, in my younger years my mother was a practicing alcoholic. She would come at me with hateful remarks about how I reminded her of my dad who use to beat her when they were together. I remember specifically one day when she came home from the bar and tackled me down to the ground because I was washing dishes and she accused me of taking over her house. Now this might have happened over 30 years ago, but trust me, my body still remembers. My mind still remembers.

My mother and I’s relationship has been on and off over the years, and is now mending, so I found it astonishing to realize yesterday and today, what all is going on with me physically even now after the immediate trauma has past. I find it personally saddening to forgive someone and to try to move forward only to have the physical symptoms raise their ugly heads and want to hold me back. Now mind you, my mother was not the worst case I had to deal with growing up, my father on the other hand, was by far the worst of them all. So, to sit here and realize at this very moment, that if I were to ever physically see my father, I might need to mentally prepare myself for what might happen to my overall well being.

Perhaps all this is just a fluke. Perhaps all this is a coincidence you might be thinking. Well perhaps, maybe. But this is not the first time this has happened. This has happened to me so much in my life, that my heart is weakened, and my immune system is low. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I suffer with severe headaches. I have weakened bones. The list goes on.

I am fortunate to have good days. These are the days that when I feel okay, I literally look like a mad woman attempting to complete anything and everything and can practically overwork anyone because I utilize those days to my advantage. I self consciously know that time is of the utmost importance because eventually I will be overwhelmed with some sort of sickness, or pain, or depression and I will become no longer functional. Some days the sickness will last just a day, other times it may last a week or more.

I am curious to know if there are others out their like me. Do you suffer from physical unexplained illnesses and pain? Does it tend to happen during certain times of the days, months, years, when childhood trauma occurred?

Our minds and emotions are powerful things for this I know for certain. I am like an onion with so many unpeeled layers that even my own mind doesn’t recognize these certain events until the physical symptoms appear. What I wouldn’t give to know these timelines for I could better prepare myself. It is a mystery to me to what lies beneath..

Just thoughts


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The Willow Tree

The Willow Tree Weeps In The Wind

Not Only For Sorrow But For Joy

And Why It Bends For Happiness

No One Else Seems To Know Or Understand

But The Tree Itself Knows

For It Was Given The Gift Of Life

I wrote this poem sitting in a high school class when I lived in Texas. My high school years were the most terrible, turbulent years for me. I was dealing with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Quite honestly, I do not know how I survived. I was so isolated as a teenager. Know one seemed to notice, and I rarely talked, at least not much. Have you ever been in one of those families where children are to be seen not heard? Yep, that was me, that was mine.

It has been so many years since I wrote this, yet, I still remember every word. Looking at the words, and reading them out loud to myself, I’m beginning to analyze. Somewhere, deep within me, I must have been holding onto a small flame. A flame for life. I had dodged the bullet so many times, fighting for my life, fighting just to live.

I can see the words, “No One Else Seems To Know”, and they are haunting. I believe people, children, as well as adults, and even the elderly, tend to hold their abuse close to them and that is one of the most daunting things that keeps the abuse going. Perpetrators seem to hold some kind of power over us, over them.


For me, something inside of me just snapped one dreadful afternoon. Instead of taking the abuse, I stood up and fought. If I was going to die, I wasn’t going to just lay down and do so. I was going to fight to live. And I did. Here I was a scrawny teenager fighting a 6 foot grown man. The look on his face, to this day, remains frozen in my mind, it remains frozen in time. I took my life back that day. I became that Willow Tree, grateful, for the gift of life….

*If you notice, quiet people, whether the young or old, please talk to them. I personally feel like you can make a difference in someone’s life. Reach out to that kid on the playground, sitting by themselves. Reach out to that elderly person, alone. Take some time for a conversation. Who knows, you just might make a friend, or save a life.

Thank you for reading,


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