Bullying the Experience of A Lifetime

diverse classmates bullying hispanic student in university

I remember specifically the one time in my life during junior high school when I was bullied. I guess you might say, if it was only one time, then perhaps I was lucky. It was not just one day that I was bullied, it was by two girls over a certain period of time. One of the girls was the main bully, the other I was guessing was her added support.

I remember being sick for a few days during the school week, and therefore I had taken a leave from school. When I returned to school, I was horrified to find that two girls in my gym class, (physical education) had suddenly decided that I had spread a rumor about them. They were totally incorrect. I was a shy student during most of my school years due to perhaps the trauma I was living with in my home life and therefore I had very little friends. Once the bullying started, I had no one to talk to, and school was no longer my safe haven.

I remember feeling terrified. These two girls made multiple threats about hunting me down and beating me. It is an odd thing to be bullied because suddenly you become aware of your surroundings. I had never even noticed these girls prior to these so called rumors but suddenly I discovered they were now following me home from school. Why these two girls never attacked me off of school grounds I will never know to this day.

Fast forward to several weeks of this torment, name calling, multiple threats on my livelihood, and I was feeling extremely exhausted, until the day-

Remember I said we were in gym class?

Awe, yes, the day my physical education teacher decided we all needed to learn how to play soccer! Call it a God send but somehow it was arranged towards where the two bullies were on the other team. I remember racing around the soccer field when suddenly the soccer ball was at my feet. As I look up and start to kick the ball all I can remember is both of these two girls charging at me trying to steal the ball. I looked down at my feet and with one swift hard kick I swung my foot forward and accidently kicked the main bully dead straight into her shin! Ouch!

It was literally game over! I must have brought that bully so much pain, that she never bothered me again! The truth of the matter was the fact that it was a complete accident, I had no intention on kicking her. And as quick as being bullied began, it was over.

What did I learn about being bullied? Sometimes, you do not even have to do anything to be the target of bullying. Sometimes bullies bully for attention and it is strictly just an intimidation game. Living in fear is one of the most horrible ways to live.


Sometimes God steps in and handles things for you! 😉

Lots of love!


to reach me at my homepage please click here: http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

You do not need other people’s permission to end a toxic relationship. — THE MANIC YEARS

Feeling the freedom on the summit of Whernside, Yorkshire Dales. As I look back over my relationships throughout my adult life, I realise I am finally at that place where I can be proud of myself for where I am today – especially when it comes to my love life. Relationships are complex and whether […]

You do not need other people’s permission to end a toxic relationship. — THE MANIC YEARS

I had to share this post! I absolutely love the detail and the insight! This is the first post I have ever shared on my blog! It is quite a read! I too was a codependent person for much of my life and I struggled with self love. Today, I can honestly say, that I am on the path to healing. It is my hopes that you too can heal!

Self Improvement

Personal Health


To visit my homepage please click here: http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

Inner Strength

It took me a year of being alone, without any type of personal relationships, to find my own inner strength. Coming from the land of childhood abuse the only feeling I ever knew was just how inadequate I was. I was no more than anything, I was to feel less than human, because well, as a child I was blamed by my primary parent for their life’s failures. My whole identity was based on, if I had never been born, they could have gotten their college degree and became something. Instead, I was born, they had to quit school to provide for me, I was their burden.

Can you even imagine carrying that kind of weight as a child? In my own vision, when ever I saw a successful adult, the guilt of being born, only continued to grow. Now for those of you who have read my homepage, you will see where I have listed my personal successes, such as obtaining not only one college degree but three. So you may be asking yourself, if I had no personal inner strength, how could I have managed to stay in school to achieve this.

At sixteen years old, after being beaten, sexually assaulted by my father, and almost choked out of existence, it took one moment for my vision of what fatherly love was, to wake me up. Like a memory frozen in time, it was the moment when my father took a picture of me off the fireplace mantel and slung it across the room towards me to shatter on my broken, beaten body. As the glass broke into a million tiny pieces I suddenly concluded at that moment, this was not fatherly love, this was not love at all. To this day I still do not know why this moment changed everything for me back then, it just did.

At that moment when the glass shattered on my body, I finally stood up for myself. I began with fist in hand, to fight for my life, instead of taking the beatings. I can honestly say that this is the moment that the “other side of me” was created. Can you see it? A scrawny 115 pound 16 year old child standing up against a 6 foot 225 pound full grown man! The look on my fathers face when I threw my first punch was priceless. I can only imagine him thinking “oh shit!”, she’s not taking my shit anymore!

A few weeks after that, I was removed from my home by authorities in Texas due to the abuse. Just so you know.

Back to the college thing and me-

That day that I just wrote about, that created the “other side of me,” is what I refer to as sheer rebellion. From that day forward, I developed a very strong minded personality the type of personality that does not take shit from anybody. I used this personality to go to college. I basically went to school to prove to my father who was no longer in my life but very much in my thoughts that I could go to college despite having four children of my own, and that I could be a success.

I do not personally define this as having inner strength because to me this type of living was only in my eyes living out of rebellion. I still felt worthless on the inside. During the years that I attended college I may have succeeded academically but I was a personal mess. By the time I completed three college degrees I had been married and divorced twice and was on my third failing common law marriage relationship. Looking back, I was the biggest co dependent to probably walk the face of this Earth. No person in their right mind wants a needy can’t live without you type of person holding them back, hence that’s who I was, because I had no self value, no self worth, and no personal inner strength.

By the time I reached 48 years old, I had been married and divorced again. I had also survived a suicide attempt which literally almost ended my life, that’s another story in itself. My children by now were becoming adults and I was still hanging on to my last broken relationship when he decided to try something different meaning someone different and it broke me down emotionally to the point that perhaps I needed to be broken down to, because I began to look at my life, I mean really look at my own behavior, my own actions, my own self.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that hurt us deeply, but sometimes that is what is necessary to bring about change. Today, I can honestly say, that being broken once again by someone I deeply loved was the the best day of my life. At the beginning of the breakup I jumped into a few casual relationships only to be rejected because I was once again too needy. After immediate failure, I remained alone, and somehow found my inner strength.

That year I spent alone, I created my own flower garden business, which took off and was a big success. I went places alone and began working on my own home remodeling it something which had not been done in the twenty years that I had lived there. I learned to depend on me and me alone. I no longer needed to ask for someone else’s opinion. I no longer needed to follow anyone else’s rules and regulations. Do you know how freeing this was for me? Trust me, if you are a co dependent, just try it!

It is my biggest hopes that you too can and will find your own personal strength. I am just giving you an example of what it took to find mine. We all have our own paths that we walk down, our own personal experiences and our own timing. If I can find my inner strength after all I have been through, then so can you. Don’t ever give up on you like I attempted to do. Keep moving forward and don’t look at set backs as being the end of your world because perhaps a loss will turn out to be your biggest gain.

Best wishes,

Self Improvement


to visit my homepage please go here http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

How I Quit Smoking

person smoking cigarette

I have often wondered to myself how people simply stopped smoking cigarettes. For me personally, being a heavy smoker for 25 years, I had tried numerous methods to quit to no avail. I had tried the Tobacco hotline, the nicotine patches, the nicotine gum, Wellbutrin, Chantix, and even paid $350 for acupuncture, in an attempt to escape the smoking obsession. I had finally decided that I would always be a smoker due to the fact that I simply enjoyed smoking too much. Today, however, as I sit here tobacco free, I thought I would share with you, how I stopped smoking.

When you smoke as many cigarettes as I did, 2-3 packs a day, it becomes an obsession, a very strong addiction. I could not go anywhere without knowing where my cigarettes were, how many I had at all times, and when my next cigarette would be smoked. It was like having a ball and chain literally strapped to my legs. Over the years, that ball and chain became heavier and heavier as I began reaping the consequences of smoking,- my bones became brittle, my skin aged, and my lungs were congested, just a few to mention.

So how did I finally quit? I discovered the key word-OBSESSION! I was literally putting too much Focus on smoking!

Do you remember the Robin Williams movie, Patch Adams, when at the beginning of the movie Robin Williams is in the psych hospital for contemplating suicide and one of the other patients there keeps holding up 4 of his fingers asking everyone how many fingers he is holding up and everyone replies 4 which frustrates the patient?

It is then later revealed in the movie, that you only see four fingers because you put too much focus on it. Once you relax and let your eyes go out of focus can you see more fingers. It is quite a phenomenon. I would highly recommend this movie to anyone, by the way.

Another way to explain the too much focus issue is like this: Have you ever tried to lose weight by dieting? What is the first thing you focus on the day you start your diet? Food! Why? Because you start to count the minutes until your next meal! Take the focus off of food by simply not thinking about it, and watch what happens. Now you are no longer counting the minutes until your next meal, and losing weight will become easier. Try it for yourself. 😉

Is any of this making sense to you the reader?

Everyday when I find my mind starting to think about my next cigarette, I simply shut my thoughts down and think about something else, its really that simple. I can not believe personally, just how simple, and easy this method has worked for me. I am grateful today, that my house no longer is filled with cigarette smoke. I am grateful today, that I no longer wreak of cigarettes. I am also very grateful that I am on a path to living a more healthier lifestyle.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this blog can help you!

Personal Health


to visit me at my homepage please click here: http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com

Tuff Love and Our Children

Tuff love and our children? While reflecting over the past few days of my life, it has been brought to my attention that perhaps I have not been the best parent when it comes to teaching my children responsibility and to be independent. When my children were young I found it much easier to do all of the household chores myself in order to save time and to prevent arguments over who would do what. Fast forward to my children becoming adults and I can honestly say, I harmed them.

I did not create independent children.

I did not create responsible children.

I may have the most polite children but just how far is that going to go in their lives, if they have no clue how to be responsible independent adults?

I for one, can honestly say, that I had no clue as to how to be a parent, I just was one, a mother to four children to be exact.

The question I have to ask myself today is this, why did I NOT teach them these core values?

Looking back I feared being a bad parent. When you come from abusive homes and lifestyles like I did, I did not want my children to hate me, I did not want my children to fear me, and I did not want my children to go through what I experienced.

Sometimes though, trying to avoid bad parenting in these areas, creates problems in other areas, such as the two I have mentioned today, the lack of independence, and responsibility in my children.

Now that I have identified these issues, and the reasoning behind it, I can move forward, to the- how can I do better today?

  • I have to stop enabling them. I am their parent and I will no longer accept their responsibility as my own. I do not see a problem with helping a child out during hardships but to continue to do so on a regular basis I feel is wrong. It is not fair to myself, nor is it creating responsibility and independence in them.
  • I have to stop fearing hurting their feelings. Being too compassionate can often lead to trouble or so I have discovered. People can pray on this attribute and make themselves appear helpless, if you can catch my drift. Hell, even my dog, Gracie has figured this one out about me, she will bark and whine her way right out of me to get anything she wants! ;(
  • Allow children to be adults. By allowing them to make their own mistakes will hopefully create their own life lessons. I am not God, so why pretend to be so. I had to learn the hard way about lots of things, and today, I am grateful I did, its all a part of life.

I am sure their is plenty more I can add to this list, but for now, I need to personally focus on these. Trust me, when I can see I have plenty of work here to start doing. Perhaps in another blog I will let you know how it all works out. 😉

Tuff love has nothing to do with loving your children any less or more. Tuff love is about teaching your children core values that is necessary to function as adults in the world.

It is my hopes that my children will become better independent responsible adults. It is my hopes that someday, when I am no longer here that they will be able to survive without me bailing them out of life.

Just thoughts

Self improvement

My dog, Gracie

Personal health


to reach my homepage please click here: http://hardtobemeinoklahoma.com