When we try to please others often we tend to lose ourselves. A true ritual I have endured most of my life. I thought if only I could do for you and make you happy would you stay, would you love me, would you well, never mind, you left anyway. Being married a few times in my life, I have notoriously lost and found myself so many times. It was never about keeping the laundry done, the house being kept cleaned, and the children entertained, it was about who I had lost along the way, me.
No longer was I that person you could connect with, for I had become your twin, and quite honestly, who wants another version of yourself, just like you?
I found in those that moved on, they found happiness in those that maintained their true identities. Having their own hobbies, having their own uniqueness is what prompted those that left me to stay in those new relationships. What a simple concept, yet took me a long while to learn.
No one out their wants a co dependent you might say. Someone that doesn’t think they could survive on their own without you. Being needy and too much, tends to wear one down.
So at 48 years old, and alone once more, I learned to depend on me. Me only, no you, just me, and despite my fears I walked through the loneliness, and got to know me, and found a strength that I never even realized existed. What a profound state of being. What a way to live to be free from someone else’s burdens, someone else’s demands.
So now you know, why I no longer aim to please. I am stronger that way, and the new found love I have for myself is exhilarating. And just because the laundry is done, and the house is kept, it is only a means of pleasure for myself, not you. No longer do we share the same opinion but I have my own, and this too, makes me the one you fell in love with. A stronger much healthier me, who no longer lives to please you.
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