For me personally, knowing what I want has always been a struggle. I have a tendency to be fickle. It’s not one of my favorite character traits at all. The definition of fickle is this: changing frequently, especially as regards to one’s loyalties, interest, or affection. Now who would want to admit this? No one, I would think, but unfortunately I do see this in me. On a positive note though, being able to recognize that I have a problem is the first step towards healing.
I spent years in college studying law enforcement, sociology, psychology, science, and nursing, just trying to figure out why everyone behaves the way they do. Back then my goal was to figure out why bad things happened to me, and why some of my family members did what they did. In conclusion, I realized we were all just doing the best we could at that moment, given the fact that we didn’t know any better. If you were never taught how to be a good parent, then how would you know how to be one? If you were never taught how to properly love someone, how would you know how to love? I still struggle to this day, trying to figure out how to love my own children, myself, and others.
Now back to the fickle part. During my childhood abuse, I was taught:
1. To not think for myself.
2. I was to never question anyone’s authority.
3. I was basically told to keep my mouth shut.
Just looking at these 3 issues can you imagine developing into an adult? Now how would I ever learn to think if I was never allowed to? I also was taught that my opinion did not matter, and that it would never matter, and when it comes to verbal communication, I still get nervous to this day, when I speak, 40 years later.
With these 3 issues being pointed out, it is of no wonder why I am fickle and why I struggle to know what I want. I am having to think for myself, which doesn’t necessary mean its easy. I also tend to look around to see if I am offending anyone with my opinion because again, my opinion doesn’t really matter or does it? And last but not least, speaking about subjects like this is not natural to me, speaking in general, is not natural.
You would think that because I am no longer being abused and that it happened so many years ago, that I should just get over it. Do you know though, that when children are abused, that their brain actually develops differently? Their whole wiring is wired unlike a normal healthy brain. It takes years of training to retrain your brain if it can be done depending on what damage has been done.
For me personally, I have learned to compensate for some skills that I am lacking. I may not know what I want, but at least I have the ability to know what I do not want, some sort of backwards thinking you might call it. I have spent years, doing everything backwards even if it means doing things the hard way.
So in conclusion, as I am learning this whole blogging process, please, keep in mind, that it is a learning curve, a process of figuring out what I want to gain from this experience and what I don’t want. My whole life is a learning curve and its like some curvy winding road that’s full of adventure. I hope to never stop learning about myself, others, and life in general.
When it comes to being fickle, and knowing what I want, well, that will take some time too to figure out, I will just need to apply myself and rewire my brain and if it takes knowing what I don’t want to get their, then perhaps that’s the best course of action to take when you don’t know what you want to begin with.
Have I confused you yet?
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