Authors Note: This reading is a combined reading of my fictional romance series Parts 1-4. For those of you who have enjoyed the series I thought it might be easier if I combined all 4 parts into the first chapter of this novel. What is here, is simply, what you have all ready read. Please feel free to read again, and my hopes is that you will continue reading more that is to come. Thank you.
If you don’t care to love me, then why am I here? These are the deep seated thoughts that entangle my insides, as he reaches out to grab onto me, hence more. With smoke billowing out towards the moonlight, I purse my lips and take a hold onto the last cigarette butt within my reach. He wants me I know this, but I could care less at this moment for him. Why must I give into his forceful nature, and be who he wants me to be? His boyish good looks, have found my insides, and they are aching for his touch, but instead I deprive myself, I ignore the obvious, stand up, and walk away into the darkness leaving him behind.
The drive home was a long one, only the sounds of hearts breaking playing on the radio. The moon was bright tonight, and it was comforting to know that it was there, for it helped lead the way as the smell of him on my neck lingered in the midnight cool air. It is late September now, and the seasons are beginning to change, the leaves are beginning to transform themselves into a picture perfect facade of oranges and yellows.
I am quickly pulled away from the moments inside my head, as a small female deer lifts her white tail as a warning to the others that danger is near. Not just one deer, but three now are on the edge of the road, glaring into my headlights as I approach with caution. Then as soon as they appeared, they are no more, as they disappear into the thickness of the tall grasses on the side of the road. I sigh in relief, take another drag off my cigarette, and begin the drive home once again.
My phone is silent, and shaking my head, I realize that what we shared was nothing. Perhaps that will be the last of him, and as part of me sighs in relief another part of me feels the shame setting in. Why must I always feel so damn guilty for taking care of my needs? Men do the act all the time and I’ve never seen them hang their head low afterwards so why must I be any different?
I reach the house, and it seems eerie now with the lights out. The gravel on the driveway is the only sound underneath my feet. I manage to peel the flannel shirt that is dangling off my shoulders and let it hit the floor beside my bed. The bed is comforting, yet bigger now, as I lay their alone. Tears well up inside my usual dry eyes, and trickle like a slow river down my cheek. I am all I need, or so it is that I tell myself, as I quietly drift off to sleep.
I am awakened by the sound of small giggles and the stumbling around in the living room. “Ah geeze, it must be Monica, my roommate bringing home yet another hot date of hers!” Sigh. I guess some people are just lucky or stupid. I hear her bedroom door shut, and more sounds of laughter, that quickly fade into the sounds of obvious love making. I do not want to hear this right now, so I cover my ears and try to fall asleep.
The suns light shining through my windows and the sounds of birds chirping awaken me. I look over and its half past eleven. I do not want to move, for the bed has found some sort of comfort to my withering soul but my stomach is yearning for some food. Ugh! Flipping the covers off of me, I wrestle my feet to the floor. If I must, I guess breakfast will be on the making.
The smell of crisp brown bacon now lingers in the air. Bacon has become one of my favorites for a while now. Sucking down the last of the orange juice I am startled by the sound of Monica’s bedroom door opening, and in appears no other than the guy with the boyish face. What the hell? Was I not enough?
One look at me and his boyish face quickly fades away, following him is Monica with her dark coal black hair all a mess. His t-shirt adorns her physically fit vibrant body. I am so taken back by all this that I stand up and push my chair in forcefully. One quick hush with his finger placed over his lips and I walk back into my bedroom. I can not believe this. No wonder why he didn’t call.
I hear the sound of his voice and more annoying laughter coming from the kitchen. As I stand their peeking through my half cracked door, I see the both of them with Monica sitting on his lap on the kitchen chair. I can not believe what is happening right now. I never saw Monica at the party out in the woods where him and I found ourselves earlier in the night.
I slam my shaky body back onto my bed disgusted with the whole situation. Shall I just wait here until he leaves? Should I dare tell Monica what we did? No, I must not! Let her find out the hard way just how he is! Typical, just typical, men!
I must have fallen back to sleep, when I heard the sound of a car driving away which awoke me. Peeking through my curtains I see the both of them together driving down our long driveway and disappearing past the tall surrounding trees. I sit at the edge of my bed, alone.
I grab some clean fresh clothes and head into the shower. Grabbing the soap I wash the scent of him away! Scrubbing forcefully with tears streaming down my face, I grab onto the shower walls and embrace them. Oh what I wouldn’t give to erase the night! Oh what I wouldn’t give to erase me! Such a hollow feeling of who I am only brings on more hatred for what I have become.
Another secret left to hold inside my mind. Another friend that I must not betray! Perhaps for her too it is just another fling! Perhaps we both will never see him again after this day! My thoughts continue to race, there is no stopping them.
Evening sets in as I flip the channels on the tv remote. I can not recall watching a single thing. I began to laugh at myself for taking this situation too seriously. It is nothing, perhaps this happens all the time! My laughter quickly ends as I hear the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway. One look out through the window and I see the both of them again in Monica’s car.
I fade away into my bedroom once more, closing the door behind me.
I am no longer interested in peeking through my door to watch Monica and her new found flame. I do not care, and why should I! Look at me like a small child hiding away in my bedroom! Ugh! My thoughts are screaming at me from the inside.
Monica and I have been friends for a while now. We were co workers at a small restaurant here at the edge of town. I did not seem to care for her at first, as I always tended to keep myself at a distance from anyone, male or female. I do not know why I am like I am, its just a preference I am guessing.
I grew up here with three brothers, all much older, and since I was the youngest child and a long awaited girl, I was spoiled you might say. I always disliked my mother as she had a way of trying to push the girly girl style on me, with dresses and bows and out of rebellion of course, I preferred to wear my brothers old hand me down clothes, hence the over sized flannel shirts which adorn most of my wardrobe. I was pretty much a tomboy growing up, and perhaps still one to this day. As a child you could always find me among the trees in my tree house or out in the cornfields with a gun in my hand hiding, awaiting my next big hunt a long side my brothers. Our house was filled with deer head trophies, and right in the center was my first hunt trophy which was the biggest out of them all.
My father was okay with me being a tomboy but he always seem to take up with my mother when it came to doing things around the house. I absolutely hated the idea of spending my days inside while everyone else enjoyed the beauty of nature on the outside. My father did recognize this in me, so after a while of my mothers pushing he would always come rescue me from her hold and give me some kind of outside chore to do.
I miss those days when we were all together. It has been years now since since both mom and dad were killed in a roll over accident after a failed attempt to dodge some deer up in the mountains. That was perhaps one of the most tragic years of mine and my brothers lives. Being almost eighteen when it happened and all my brothers out on their own by then, I was left to fend for myself, hence the waitress job at the small restaurant where Monica and I first met.
I managed to stay at my parents home at least long enough to finish my high school education before the county came in and took the estate away from us, to pay for my parents wreckage. That too was a sad day for me and my brothers as we had no means of knowing what to do about the whole situation. After Monica saw me sleeping in my old pick up truck, she must have felt some kind of need to help me out, and offered me room and board at her recently rented home out in the country.
Now days when things get tough instead of finding me out in my old tree house you can find me sitting on an over sized weathered rock that overlooks the small town in which we live in. I find some peace and quiet here and perhaps some sort of comforting solitude as I forget my troubles and admire the beauty of sunsets.
I miss my brothers but I understand that being here in this town only brings back painful memories of the tragedy of our parents. I only stay here, because I can’t seem to escape the beauty. I only stay here because its all I have ever known.
As I sat there reminiscing about my past and the tragedies that I have endured, I was brought back to the here and now by the sound of Monica’s voice calling for me from our living room.
“Savanah,” with the nuiscance sound of a giggle.
“Yes?”, I reluctantly replied.
“Will you come out here for a second, there is someone I would like you to meet.”
With my insides churning, I hesitantly put down my old rugged guitar nervously held in my grasp. I open my bedroom door and appear next to Monica.
“Hello,” I muster up shyly.
“Why hello, you must be Savanah. I have heard so much about you.” the guy with the boyish face said with a smile, reaching out his hand toward me.
“Why yes” I replied simply. My hands are starting to tremble. Sending out a return handshake was all I could do.
By now Monica is stroking his wavy brown hair and standing close to him and all the while with her hand placed upon his muscular back.
“My name is Jet” he says.
“Nice to meet you,” I reply.
I withdraw my hand from the strength of his hand, and stand their numbly.
In a quick moment of silence, I excuse myself and head back towards our kitchen. I begin to fumble around for a glass and pour myself some water from the kitchen sink. Sipping it silently, Monica begins in a loud voice,
“Jet and I met a few weeks ago and I’m sorry I didn’t introduce you two sooner! He just moved here from California.”
Raising my eyebrows and holding onto what little emotion I had left, I managed to squeeze out,
“That’s nice!,” as I head toward my bedroom, and shut the door behind me.
Frustrated and now confused, I am overwhelmed with a sense of madness. “A few weeks?, “ I mutter underneath my breath.
I put my headphones on and tune into what’s playing on my favorite Pandora station, Queen! The song, ‘Another One Bites The Dust.’ Ha! Ha! Coincidence, perhaps, I do not care at this point. Shedding my clothes and crawling into my bed, I flip my hair back, and begin to squeeze my pillow. A tear manages to trickle down my face. I close my eyes, and has the sound of soft giggles fill the room, my mind drifts off to another place in time.
Sitting by the fire light wrapped in his arms, now seems annoying. How could I have been convinced to share myself with a guy like that? I never saw Monica in the crowd. Quite honestly, I didn’t really see anyone but us. The way he spoke to me and caressed my hair, pulling it away from my green eyes. I never had anyone touch me like he did. I never really had anyone to even speak of since my last fling, over a year ago.
Most girls want to find someone to hang onto. I never did. I guess hearing my brothers joke and laugh about the women that they had, made me realize that boys are just that, boys. I never really experienced much love between my parents either. My mother always seemed so damn cold, even when my dad would come home from long hunting trips. I had nothing to compare love to only heartbreak songs that would play out on my old truck radio. I could never really find a good signal to play my phone anywhere out on the road. This small town is surrounded by cornfields and hills leading towards a large group of trees that fill the outskirts of the countryside surrounded by the mountains. Plenty of good hunting grounds if you ask me.
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