I am so overwhelmed at the moment, filled up, solid, with the feeling of insecurity. Insecurity in myself, insecurity about where my life is headed, insecurity about my current relationship.
Can I do this? Can I write publicly about my mental health issues and survive? Why certainly, Bridgette, you’ve survived this long-my thoughts. Who will care about me? Perhaps YOU-my thoughts again.
Where is my life headed? I don’t know, but lets not stay stagnate and just take a deep breath and breathe. Okay, sounds simple enough.
Does “he”, (current relationship,) really want you to stay? I don’t know, I’ve only been told to leave 3 times within a 10 day period. But every time you start to get packed up, things start to settle down. It’s so exhausting, and frightful. Yes, I tend to start the troubles, me and my mouth with my little insecurities, he says are driving him away. I so need to work on this. He has changed so much from the man he was in the beginning 10 years ago, to the man he is today. Just look out the window, a new car for me, a new shiny expensive engagement ring, don’t blow it, Bridgette, just because your scared.
So, I really tried today, this morning, I sent him a lovely text while he was in the bathroom preparing for work. Nothing negative, just letting him know, how much I appreciate him, how much I respect him, and that I never want him to feel alone again in this relationship. We both have difficulty with context, what I say he tends to take to a whole different meaning, and vice versa. My actions, though well intended, are hurtful and some what purposely done to harm him in some way, again taken out of context. I find it strange, that my loss of hearing issues he tends to mistaken for some sort of intently ignoring him…Say what? Ummm, definitely, NO!
Is he really working tomorrow, on a Saturday, or is it something else? I can not control him, I can not follow him, for the best thing I really have control over is me, just me. And the whole truth of the matter is, I need to learn to be confident in myself, know myself, trust myself, be the best woman that I can be. If I just be THAT, then if he wanders off, chooses to go elsewhere, wants me to leave, then in my heart I should be okay with it. If I show jealousy, put him down because I’m fearful, then I can only blame myself. Bridgette you carry too much already for what you blame yourself for. So lets just try something different, starting today. Be the best version of YOU. Give him nothing to complain about. Don’t sit at home and wallow in self-pitty. Go take Gracie, (my beautiful black lab) for a walk. It’s time.
I am blessed to be here and if my work is helping you in anyway all contributions are welcomed! Thank you in advance. 😉
Thank you for your encouragement and support!
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